A.R.M. (kinkyturtle) wrote,

The Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader

In this one, the two eldest Pevensie kids (Peter and Susan) have been shuttled off to America for the duration of WWII, so it's just the younger two (Lucy and Edmund) plus their priggish, hateful, whiny cousin Eustace who get swept off into the Narnian sea by means of a painting of a ship.

Eustace is funny, though; he sounds like an old woman!

Until halfway through the movie, when he...

...gets turned into a dragon and stops talking. Then he becomes AWESOME!

See, Eustace disappears among a huge pile of golden treasure that turns out to be a dead dragon's hoard*; all Prince Caspian and Edmund find of him is a pile of singed clothes. Later, a dragon appears. As the Narnians try to fight it off, it scoops up Edmund and flies him over the mountain, where he sees giant letters written in fire on the volcanic plateau:


"You've got to be joking," says Edmund.

Being a dragon changes Eustace, making him a better person. Sadly, Aslan appears and turns him human again. He's still a better person, but he looked better as a dragon, darn it!

Later on in the movie, the Dawn Treader ventures to Dark Island, a place infested with evil green mist that tries to trick the crew with images of their darkest fears and deepest desires. They rescue half-mad Lord Rhoop, who warns them not to think of anything scary. "Oops, too late," says Edmund, as something huge and dangerous appears in the water and everybody looks down to see.

"...It's the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man," I half-expected Edmund to say. But no, it was a sea serpent. Horrible ugly thing, too; probably not any tasty meat on it anywhere, even ignoring the fact that it's actually made of green mist.

After everything is finally put right, Aslan appears one last time for SURFING! COWABUNGA! And by surfing I mean standing on the beach staring at a sweet curl that rolls and rolls while magically staying in place. On the other side is Aslan's town, dollface. It's a pretty sweet joint, and Reepicheep for one can't wait to go over the fence (or wave), but da catch is, ya never come back. So I guess it's like one a' dem Christian allegory t'ings, representing heaven. Whatever, I dunno, gotta split.

Oh, and I saw it in 2-D because I heard the 3-D wasn't worth it for this one; apparently it's another cheap digital rejiggering after the fact. Man, it's like live-action 3-D is the new "colorized".

*That's HOARD, not horde. Here's your spelling lesson for today: a HOARD is a buncha stuff. A HORDE is a buncha people.

Trailers before the feature:

Thor: Who's this dude who's been kicking Special Agent ass? Oh, just a friggin' NORSE GOD.

Rio: New trailer that introduces more characters, such as a drooly bulldog, a couple of other birds, and the woman who owns Blu, the flightless blue macaw. Oh, the toucan who was trying to teach him to fly in that hilarious teaser trailer that I love so much is voiced by George Lopez; I thought he sounded familiar. Looking forward to this one, even if it is the reason Pixar cancelled "newt" (which seems even more likely now).

Beastly: Appears to be an updating of "Beauty and the Beast", in which an arrogant pretty-boy teen is transformed into a monster, and by "monster" I mean a bald, scarred, pierced, tattooed punk. I, uh, think I'll stick with the Disney thingy with the singing candelabra and teapot and whatnot for now.

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