"Happy New Year!
It's two thousand six (2006), and certain things are going to be different around here. First of ahl, instead of using the Roman alphabet, I'm going to switch to Kingsley Read's phonetic Shavian alphabet. Hope you can read it! (One exception: the names of pawliticians will be written in Cyrillic, so instead of "George W. Bush" ohr "Jorj Dubbia Bush", I'll write "Dzhordzh Dabja Boosh".
Second, I declare you ahl Fawkses. Each and every one of you is now a Fawkes. If you ahlready were a Fawkes, good. If naught, get used to it.
That's ahl for now. Happy Valentine's Day!"
(which is mostly right, except that of course "Fawkes" should be "fox", "ahl" should be "all", "naught" should be "not", etc.)