A.R.M. (kinkyturtle) wrote,

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A Shenmue II Christmas

And now, a classic Christmas special from my IRC channel, sometime in December 2001 (or maybe 2002, I'm not too sure)...
(mr_fu, I hope you don't mind me posting this)

<Mr_Fu> Hey, while they're doing motels, who wants to hear the story of how I triumphed over Microsoft and they can kiss my furry grey ass?
<Mr_Fu> Microsoft, not the people hearing the story.
<Mr_Fu> See, there's this game.
<Mr_Fu> It's a Sega game. (translated: excellent)
<Mr_Fu> The game is called Shenmue. I don't know what Shenmue means, if anything.
<Mr_Fu> I played this game. It's deeply cinematic and engrossing and such.
<Mr_Fu> The trick is, the designers of the game had always intended for Shenmue to be merely the tip of the in-game story. A prologue, if you will.
<Mr_Fu> So, once I played through this game, naturally I was eager to play the sequel.
<Mr_Fu> More story, I begged. Deliver unto me Shenmue II!

<Mr_Fu> Okay, said Sega.
<Mr_Fu> Can you wait about a year, asked Sega?
<Mr_Fu> I said, gosh, a year. That's a long while to wait.
<Mr_Fu> But, well, if it'll really be as good as you say... then, okay! I'll wait, Sega!
<Mr_Fu> Eight months passed. Sega said, look, look! Shenmue II is coming!
<Mr_Fu> Yes, we know we've stopped supporting the console you plan to play it on.
<Mr_Fu> Yes, we're aware just about all developers have moved on to other work.
<Mr_Fu> Don't you worry! Shenmue II will still happen!
<Mr_Fu> Look! Here's some preview media to prove it, and keep you on the edge of your seat!
<Mr_Fu> Shenmue II will be the system's last big hurrah!
<Mr_Fu> Okay, if you say so, Sega, I said. I still believe in you!
<Mr_Fu> And so I obediently waited on the edge of my seat.
<Mr_Fu> It was uncomfortable there, but I was willing to make that sacrifice for Sega.
<Mr_Fu> After all, they promised!
<Mr_Fu> But there was a villain waiting in the wings.
<Mr_Fu> Off in the shadows, Microsoft glared at me jealously.
<Mr_Fu> It's not fair, said Microsoft.
<Mr_Fu> We want that fox to look at us with that kind of adoration that he shows to Sega!
<Mr_Fu> We must find a way to stop this Christmas from COMING!
<Mr_Fu> And so while I sat happily awaiting my Shenmue II, looking at its shiny media...
<Mr_Fu> Microsoft stepped in front of it, and showed me ITS media.
<Mr_Fu> Look, said Microsoft, look! We built this nice new XBox dealie!
<Mr_Fu> It's made for foxes just like you! It'll be loads of fun, really it will!
<Mr_Fu> And even though it's the size of a coffee table, you really should forget about poor old dying Sega, and play this XBox instead!
<Mr_Fu> But, I don't want your XBox, I replied.
<Mr_Fu> I still believe in Sega!
<Mr_Fu> And besides, I'm AWFULLY good friends with Mr. Sony now...
<Mr_Fu> And I told the Nintendo family I might write to them at some point...
<Mr_Fu> I'm sorry, Microsoft, but I don't think I really want to play your XBox.
<Mr_Fu> And Microsoft began to snivel. But, but--we worked so hard on our new PC! I mean, console!
<Mr_Fu> Why won't you pay more attention to our XBox??
<Mr_Fu> And I said, well, I wish I could give you my attention, Microsoft, but, Sega promised me Shenmue II. And I believe in Sega!
<Mr_Fu> You get to the point. I'm rambling and I like it.
<Mr_Fu> And I went back to waiting lovingly for Shenmue II.
<Mr_Fu> So Microsoft hatched an evil scheme.
<Mr_Fu> They'd STEAL Christmas!
<Mr_Fu> They marched over to Sega, and looked very enviously at their nice Shenmue II.
<Mr_Fu> And mean Microsoft sneered, and snatched it up in their claws, and said "Gimme!"
<Mr_Fu> Poor Sega wanted to keep their Shenmue II and give it to me like they promised, but they just didn't have enough money to hold on tight enough.
<Mr_Fu> So, just two months shy of releasing it, poor Sega had to watch as Microsoft marched off with their Shenmue II.
<Mr_Fu> Ha ha, cackled Microsoft. Now that fox will HAVE to look at us with the same adoration as Sega!
<Mr_Fu> We've got his Shenmue II!
<Mr_Fu> Now anyone in the country will have to play on our XBox if they want to play that game!
<Mr_Fu> I looked at Sega, and with a quivering lip, said, tell me it's not true, Sega. You promised...
<Mr_Fu> But Sega, with a heavy heart, could only hang its head and sigh, it's true.
<Mr_Fu> And so I sat looking at my old Shenmue II media for a month... and then two...
<Mr_Fu> Whimpering softly to myself as the date for Shenmue II's release on its home system came and went.
<Mr_Fu> I wouldn't let Microsoft bully me.
<Mr_Fu> Maybe Sega didn't have the money to stand up to that meanie, but I was hanging strong onto my gamer's buck.
<Mr_Fu> And then, two days ago, I was talking with my good friend, Electronics Boutique.
<Mr_Fu> I had gotten over the pain of Shenmue II. It had been a difficult journey, but one day at a time, I was back in a good place again.
<Mr_Fu> I'd been enjoying the solace and company of Tony Hawk 3, Metal Gear Solid 2, Frequency, and Jak and Daxter.
<Mr_Fu> And while Jak and Daxter had been a good friend, we had grown apart, so I was passing him along to Electronics Boutique.
<Mr_Fu> Say, said Electronics Boutique, did you hear about Shenmue II?
<Mr_Fu> My heart sank.
<Mr_Fu> So many painful memories came rushing back....
<Mr_Fu> But, though I knew Electronics Boutique often shared my sentiments, its face was not a face of sadness.
<Mr_Fu> Rather, it inspired hope. Anticipation. Even... glee.
<Mr_Fu> So I asked, no, what about Shenmue II?
<Mr_Fu> It's coming, said Electronics Boutique. It's coming in just five days!
<Mr_Fu> My heart leapt. How could this be? Mean Microsoft said even they wouldn't have it for at least six months!
<Mr_Fu> That had to mean... Sega! Sega had filled their promise!
<Mr_Fu> But how, I asked! How could they have done it? Why, Microsoft said that--
<Mr_Fu> Electronics Boutique chuckled, and with a twinkle in its eye, said, They said nobody could play it in this country.
<Mr_Fu> They never stole it from the world...
<Mr_Fu> Why, Sega's going to give it to their friends in the UK!
<Mr_Fu> Yes, I cheered! God save the queen!
<Mr_Fu> Why, all I've got to do now, is swim over to England, and Sega and I can be friends again!
<Mr_Fu> Electronics Boutique chuckled and shook its head.
<Mr_Fu> You silly fox, it laughed. This christmas miracle has been inside you all along!
<Mr_Fu> You have a good heart, young fox. You've been most generous with your gaming dollar, seeing fit to share it with us time and time again.
<Mr_Fu> You even come in just to chat with our clerks, and one time you even praised them to their supervisor.
<Mr_Fu> You're a good customer, little fox, so we'll tell you a secret.
<Mr_Fu> And Electronics Boutique leaned in close, and whispered, we're going to bring Shenmue II -from- the UK. Right to here!
<Mr_Fu> It's a very special thing, little fox. Our entire company will only have 1500 of these copies. Why, that's a mere 2-3 copies to a store.
<Mr_Fu> And you know what?
<Mr_Fu> One of those copies is for -you-.
<Mr_Fu> The end.
<Mr_Fu> Merry Christmas! Fuck Microsoft!
<Mr_Fu> God bless us every one!
<KinkyTurtle> heehee!
* KinkyTurtle applauds!
* Mr_Fu sells his story as the hit paperback Gamer Fox and the Christmas Miracle
<Mr_Fu> See, being a good customer pays off.
<Tony_Fox> INdeed, Fu.
<Nakko> meef
<Mr_Fu> Also, I kick ass at FreQuency.


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