A.R.M. (kinkyturtle) wrote,

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What a day I've had!

Okay, so I woke up this morning and went to my job at the Dr Pepper mine high in the Andes Mountains. (It's a nice place to work; they let me drink all the Dr Pepper I want, for free. The beer mine gave me a similar deal, but since I'm a tee-totaler, I never took advantage of it. But they did have to keep the tees locked up so I wouldn't total them.)

So there I was, digging up chunks of Dr Pepper, melting them down and carbonating them as usual, when my coworker, Elliot from "Pete's Dragon", says to me, "Man, I wish something out of the ordinary would happen." I was just about to nod my head (in agreement) when I heard something ringing.

Rrrrrring. Rrrrrring. Was it my cellphone? No, it couldn't be; I don't own a cellphone, ever since the one I had ran away. Was it my ears? No, it couldn't be that either, since turtles don't have ears. Eventually I figured it out: the whole mine was ringing! So I answered it. It was my good friend Teleia Fox! We had this conversation:

TELEIA: "What have you been up to these days, KT?"
ME: "Ooo I've been takin' lessons in feigning int'rest."
TELEIA: "Oh. Whatever."
ME: "Sounds lake yoo cood yuzem too!"

I asked hir what sie's been up to. Turns out sie works for President Howard Dean! And he wants a glass sculpture as a centerpiece for an upcoming Presidential orgy, and Teleia recommended me. I told her I don't do glass sculpture, ever since contracting AHTDWGA (Anything Having To Do With Glass Amnesia). "By the way," I asked hir, "what's a window?"

Turned out, though, that sie wanted me to make a sculpture out of glass Legos. That I can do! So I hung up the mine, and on my lunch break, I headed out on a journey, a journey of epic proportions, a journey to procure some fragile, expensive cut-glass LEGO™ bricks. But on the way, a cop arrested me. I said, "What for?" He said, "I don't know!" And he started laughing so hard he nearly cracked his jaw!

Fortunately, the jail he put me in was made of Pocky. Well, the bars were; the walls were made of graham crackers. So I ate my way out. Then I headed over to Toys Я Us in Yiffburg. I took off my shell on the way in, and walked down the street, past the sex toy shop, the boinkberry store, and the clothing store (it's the only clothing store in all of Yiffburg; a tiny place which inexplicably manages to stay in business somehow), to where I thought the Toys Я Us was, but there was nothing there but a vacant lot.

I stood there looking puzzled and naked for a few days, until I remembered that Toys Я Us stores are all pop-up now! So I reached down, grasped the edge of the parking lot, and flipped it up and over, and the store sprang up from underneath. I had trouble finding the glass Legos, since they'd been moved from where they used to be, but I finally found them next to the stainless steel Barbie dolls.

I bought 30 tubs, which I carried under my arm to my secret hideout on the peak of Mt. Everest. There, I constructed a three-headed swan entirely out of glass Legos. Then I carried it down the side of the mountain, careful not to drop it or teach it Norwegian, and took it to the White House and presented it to President Dean.

DEAN: "Why does it have three heads, instead of just two like a normal swan?"
ME: "'Cos God telled me ta make it that way."
DEAN: "You spoke with the Almighty?!"
ME: "Nonono, God Stewart, me nextdoor neighbor. He are the totally wacky madcap type!"

So anyway, President Dean was so pleased with the glass swan that he invited me to stay for dinner! He promised a sumptuous feast of various kinds of fake sushi. Unfortunately there was a mixup in the kitchen, so we had a variety of international cuisines hastily relabeled as fake sushi. Dean started off with shish kebab (labeled "Fake sushi made of Twinkies") and I helped myself to some lobster Thermidor (labeled "Fake sushi made of chocolate") and a glass of Dr Pepper (labeled "Fake sushi made of artichokes").

Then Teleia came out to entertain us with a dance sie had just made up. It was a three-legged, three-eyed dance to the tune of "Greek #3" by They Might Be Giants. We applauded and threw money and candy!

I thanked them and hurried to get back to the Dr Pepper mine in the Andes because my lunch break was almost over. Then I bumped into something invisible, which turned out to be Elliot. He looked down at me and said, "KT, where's your shell?" Oops. And I didn't have time to go back to Yiffburg, so I had to spend the rest of the day at work naked.

But now I'm finally home to tell the tale!

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