A.R.M. (kinkyturtle) wrote,
A.R.M.
kinkyturtle

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Sauron's Ringlet

Just for the hell of it, I decided to rewrite The Lord of the Rings, using only seven-letter words. (I had to cheat a little with Merry and Pippin's names, but only once. And I hope the way I worked in the names of Frodo, Éowyn and Gimli doesn't count as cheating.)


SAURON'S RINGLET


RINGLET FELLOWS

Initial Chapter
Ringlet retains Sauron's malefic potency. Isildur battles, attains ringlet. Article becomes Gollum's beloved*, finally Baggins' trinket.

Baggins departs hobbits' country, loathly leaving jewelry. Gandalf figures: ringlet harmful! Decrees younger Baggins Frodo'll journey, conceal ringlet, Samwise helping. Hobbits' quartet (Baggins, Samwise, Meri'doc, Per'grin) travels, reaches barroom, meeting Strider (Gandalf comrade). Company undergo eastern journey. Nazguls assault Baggins! Strider defends hobbits. Baggins injured! Carried towards Elrond's mansion, treated.

Another Chapter
Council. Debates. Elflord musters company: Aragorn (Strider), Gandalf, Boromir, Legolas, hobbits' quartet, dwarven mineman Gimli'll journey. Mission: Destroy Sauron's ringlet. Fellows venture towards Mordor's regions. Require passing Misties. Scaling sierras? Dangers! Trapped! Baggins decides: explore through dwarven tunnels. Sunless, complex. Orc-army attacks! Balrog's assault causing tragedy: Gandalf dragged, tumbles! Outside, Lorien's elf-lady donates objects, rowboat. Company follows Anduin's current. Boromir desires ringlet. Scuffle! Baggins departs; Samwise escorts.


TWOFOLD TURRETS

Ternary Chapter
Orc-army attacks, killing Boromir. Capture Hobbits. Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli'll undergo pursuit. Meeting horsers, company realize: Orc-army ravaged. Hobbits ravaged besides? Negated! Hobbits escaped, entered Fangorn, meeting Tree-ent. Entmoot decides: Assault Saruman, Uruk-hai factory!

Gandalf returns. Company attempt warning Edoras's monarch, Théoden. Problem: Théoden behexed. Servant: traitor! Gandalf, release Théoden. Warfare: Knights against Uruk-hai. Retreat, inhabit citadel (Helmet's Deepest). Greater warfare! Finally, knights, horsers, Gandalf, treemen destroy enemies. Victory!

Company travels towards ravaged Orthanc. Hobbits welcome friends! Saruman deposed.

Chapter Quattro
Baggins, Samwise venture towards Mordor's borders**. Watched, pursued. Gollum's deepest desires: reclaim beloved ringlet! Hobbits capture Sméagol (Gollum's onetime moniker). Sméagol submits, becomes helpful, guiding hobbits through marshes. Faramir (Boromir brother) catches hobbits, divines purpose, permits journey. Gollum's private thought: Deceive hobbits. Sméagol directs hobbits through huuuuge massive spidery monster Shelob's nesting grounds. Monster attacks! Baggins venomed! Orc-gang removes stunned Baggins. Samwise follows.


MONARCH RETURNS

Chapter Quinque
Gandalf travels; Pippin's carried towards Gondor's capital. Gondor's Steward (Den'thor) fathers Faramir, Boromir. However, Steward thought Boromir greater. Pippin's telling Steward: Boromir fatally wounded. Submits, becomes Steward servant.

Mordor's minions assault Gondor's capital. Faramir returns. Steward angered, charges Faramir: suicide mission. Faramir wounded; serious. Steward, lunatic, demands funeral bonfire burning Faramir, himself. However, Pippin's finding Faramir non-dead! Pippin's warning Gandalf! Gandalf rescues Faramir. Steward becomes roasted.

Leading Gondor's knights, Gandalf battles enemies: Uruk-hai! Mumakil! Nazguls! Nazguls' captain attacks Théoden, stating: Man-hand couldn't destroy Nazguls! However, womanly Éowyn'll conquer wraiths. Aragorn, warrior spirits conquer corsair vessels.

Closing Chapter
Samwise battles Orc-crew, rescues Baggins. Hobbits proceed towards volcano, upwards. Frodo'll destroy ringlet, casting corrupt jewelry inwards. However, finally couldn't; ringlet behexes, masters Baggins. Hobbit's donning malefic trinket. Swiftly, Sméagol attacks! Demands beloved article! Chewing hobbit's knuckle asunder, Sméagol removes ringlet. Gollum's beloved returns! Rejoice! Whoopsy, tripped, falling inwards. Sméagol expires. Ringlet melting. Sauron's potency wrecked! Tyranny stopped! Yaaaaay! Gwaihir rescues hobbits.

Aragorn becomes Gondor's monarch. Hurrahs! Quartet returns towards hobbits' country, finding mobster gestapo. Kingpin: Sharkey (reality: Saruman). Baggins deposes Saruman. Hobbits restore country.

Finally, Baggins departs towards Valinor (blessed undying western country). Samwise escorts, returns.



*I am SO annoyed that "precious" has _eight_ letters!

**Try saying that three times fast, Ring fans!
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