A.R.M. (kinkyturtle) wrote,
A.R.M.
kinkyturtle

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A Christmas Carp - by Snekcid Selrahc

Once upon a time, there was a man named Egoorcs Rezenebe. Every Christmas he would go crazy trying to get all his Christmas shopping done, all his Christmas cards written and delivered, all his Christmas lights put up, and his Christmas tree bought, put up and decorated. The stress began to take its toll. His scalp went bald and his skin went wrinkly. "Merry Christmas," he would greet people through gritted teeth.

Then one night, he was visited by three ghosts. The first ghost told him, "Jeez, calm down! It's just a holiday. Don't have a coronary over it! Slow down, relax, take it easy, and if you don't get it all done, it's not the end of the world!"

The second ghost took him to the mall and showed him the stores. "Look at this mess!" said the ghost. "It's like this every December, isn't it, Rezenebe? The stores jam-packed with holiday shoppers who get in your way and step on your toes and make it impossible to find parking. And what is with the MUSIC? Nothing but back-to-back Christmas songs played loudly over the speaker systems, as if you needed reminding every freakin' second that CHRISTMAS IS COMING! As if desperately urging you to BUY BUY BUY! MORE MORE MORE!"

The third ghost showed him the future: His friends, family, coworkers, former coworkers, old college buddies, passing acquaintances and, um, some other people, who the hell are they and why are they still on Rezenebe's gift list? opening presents on Christmas Day. Rezenebe saw the looks of dismay on their faces as they opened his presents and got... what, a sports calendar? Whoopty-doo. CDs? I already have this one. I hate this guy's voice! I'm sick of these songs already. An ASHTRAY?! I don't even smoke! And he saw their forced smiles as they tried to remind themselves, it's the THOUGHT that counts, it's the THOUGHT that counts...

Next morning, Egoorcs Rezenebe woke up a changed man. Gone were the stress lines on his brow, the manic twitch in his eyelid, the benighted sneer around his mouth. He bounded out of bed and ran down the street, cheerily waving to his neighbors and shouting, with a merry twinkle in his eye, "BAH HUMBUG, EVERYBODY! BAH HUMBUG!"

And he didn't bother buying anybody any Christmas presents that year! Except of course poor sickly little Tiny Ted. (I mean, come on, the kid was sick! Mr. Rezenebe didn't have a heart of stone.) And Tiny Ted's face lit up with delight as he looked up into Mr. Rezenebe's kindly eyes. Tiny Ted sneezed violently, and said, "God bless me, every one!"



♪ ♪ ♪
For we need a little Christmas,
Not a relentless onslaught
That starts before October
Before the first gift gets bought.
Yes, we need a little Christmas,
Emphasis on "little".
Why this shopping frenzy?
It's become a riddle.

♫ ♫ ♫
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